An Identical Twin Answers the Stupid Questions

by Eric Wallace

I get a lot of questions (sometimes from complete strangers) about being a twin. My ethos is "Stupid question; stupid answer". Here are the common ones and my answers:

Are you a twin? - No. I don't even know this guy. We've never met.

If I punch you then does your twin feel it? - If I punch you will you come up with a decent question?

Are you the evil one? - Yes. I'm a psychopath and I'm plotting to kill everyone everywhere.

How do you tell the difference? - I don't. Sometimes I wake up and I'm like: "Am I myself or my twin?"

Who's older? - twin: noun, one of two children or animals born at the same time.

I like your twin more than you (I know it isn't a question) - I like my twin more than you and I hate my twin with all my heart.

What's it like to be a twin? - What's it like to have no imagination?

I wish I had a twin - I wish I could hit you with the a massive hammer but, sadly, we can't always do what we want.

Are you telepathic? - Are you telepathic?

I bet you're sick of hearing this but... - ...But you're going to ask it anyway? I’LL KILL EVERY LAST STINKING ONE OF YOU!!!!!
(disclaimer: I haven't yet killed anyone for asking any of the above but I have threatened it.)

Most of these questions don't apply to "non-identical twins" because they aren't twins. They are siblings born at the same time. Twin is a synonym of identical. Non-identical twins are just normal siblings.

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